Sermon: "Confess, Repair, Reconcile"

"Confess Repair Reconcile"
By Alex McGee
Oct 21, 2012 for Thomas Jefferson Memorial Church UU



This month we’ve been exploring the topic of confession. 
I asked Wendy to read those stories because they illustrate that after confession come other steps.
I titled the sermon Confess, Repair, Reconcile.
 
When I was 22, I worked for two years as a receptionist and bookkeeper for an agency which educates religious groups about preventing and responding to sexual violence.  The founding theologian, Marie Fortune, taught me
that confession alone is not enough
and forgiveness alone is not enough. 
For us to have meaningful on-going relationships, we must also have repair and reconciliation. 
These take work ….and they take time. 
She shares this story:  “A group of 25 incest offenders sat in a circle during their treatment.  They said, ‘Tell the clergy for us that they should not forgive so quickly.’  Each of them, upon arrest, had gone to their minister, been prayed over, ‘forgiven’, and sent home.  Each of them said it was the worst thing that could have been done for them.  That cheap grace had allowed them to continue to deny responsibility for the abuse of others.  It in no way facilitated their repentance or their treatment.”  (Source: Violence Against Women and Children: A Christian Theological Sourcebook, 1995. article by Marie Fortune, p. 453)
I share that story because it lifts up the importance of taking responsibility for harm done, and having a community that helps us take responsibility. 
 
One of our own Unitarian Universalist leaders, Paula Cole Jones, has named five steps in the reconciliation process.  I share them now for you: (Source: The Practice of Reconciliation: Steps you can take. By Paula Cole Jones UUWorld Magazine, March/April 2004) 
 
Encounter
Communicating with the person, shift from judging and defending to listening and sharing

Apology, Forgiveness
Empathizing with the other person

Personal Resolve
Moving from focus on the issue to focus on learning and growth

Mutual Resolve
Trust that the other has resolved and moved from focus on the issue to focus on learning and growth

Right Relations
Hold each other in esteem and are accountable for communication and new behavior

 
She wrote about these in the UU World magazine, where she also shared about her journey:  growing up Unitarian Universalist, ---becoming a management consultant, ---and then realizing that racism was dividing her congregation, ---and that she needed to develop skills for the group to continue together. 
She is a member of All Souls Church Unitarian in Washington DC, which now has a reputation for being on the cutting edge of healthy multi-racial ministries.  But, clearly, it has been a journey for each individual and the whole group. 
She writes:  “As a management consultant, I know a lot about helping people work through their differences, but until I embraced reconciliation as a spiritual practice, I didn't realize just how transformative reconciliation can be.”  (Source:  UU World Magazine, April/March 2004, Reconciliation as a Spiritual Practice.)
 
So, I’ve told you a three step model, a five step model, and now I’m going to share a seven-step model.  This one comes from Dr. Hizkias Assefa, who is a Professor in the Conflict Transformation Programme, at Eastern Mennonite University --- over in Harrisonburg.  But he works from his base in Nairobi as a mediator and facilitator in civil war situations in many parts of Africa.
 
 
Here are the seven steps that he has found necessary:
“ a) Honest acknowledgment of the harm/injury each party has inflicted on the other;
b) Sincere regrets and remorse for the injury done:
c) Readiness to apologize for one’s role in inflicting the injury;
d) Readiness of the conflicting parties to ‘let go’ of the anger and bitterness caused by the conflict and the injury;
e) Commitment by the offender not to repeat the injury;
f) Sincere effort to redress past grievances that caused the conflict and compensate the damage caused to the extent possible;
g) Entering into a new mutually enriching relationship.
I brought copies for visual learners.  (Source: The Meaning of Reconciliation by Hizkias Assefa. Published in People Building Peace- 35 Inspiring Stories from Around the World (1999)by European Centre for Conflict Prevention)
 
As you hear those seven steps, I want to point out that the first one, “honest acknowledgement of harm,” requires a pause. 
As a metaphor, I draw from a Zen Buddhist theologian, who writes:  “In the forward progress of everyday life, the ground beneath our feet always fall behind as move steadily ahead; we overlook it.  Taking a step back to shed light on what is underfoot of the self marks a conversion in life itself.  Hence the Zen phrase: ‘stepping back to come to the self.’” 
Is this not a spiritual act?
Does this not take spiritual time?
 ‘Stepping back to come to the self.’
 
(Source:  p. 4, Keiji Nishitani, in book Religion and Nothingness, University of California Press, 1982.)
 
And so I say, this is one reason that we need spiritual friends and mentors.
 So that we have people with whom to share this acknowledgement,
 as we ourselves sit with our own dismay at having caused harm. 
In two of the examples that Wendy read, the person cried as they confessed. 
In one of the examples, the priest cried while listening. 
We need people who listen compassionately as we unburden that we have done things that are not in line with who we believe ourselves to be.
It might be a formal conversation with a minister, or an informal conversation with a friend.
A Greek Orthodox priest wrote that he has discovered that when people come to confession, “he is witnessing people at their best---an ironic twist, on the surface of it---but not when you reflect on it: (he say,)  their hearts are softened, their souls humbled, their wills disposed to show mercy to others.”  (Source, with slight changes, p. 159 book Confession:  Doorway to Forgiveness, by Jim Forest.  Orbis Books, Maryknoll, NY, 2002.)
Religious community has a role in making safe space for this first step of confession, getting ready for the other steps toward reconciliation.
 
One nuance of the reconciliation process is that forced reconciliation does not work.
For confession to lead to repair and reconciliation, it must be internal and voluntary.
 
To illustrate this, I have brought this piece of 2 cent bubble gum (hold up for them to see)
And
This quarter.
Note that they are equal size.
When I was a little girl, one day my older brother had a piece of two cent bubble gum. I knew that if I could have it, I would enjoy the pink, sweet gooeyness in my mouth and could practice blowing big bubbles.
It being Saturday, I had just received from my mother my weekly allowance of 25 cents.
My brother pointed out that since they are of equal size, it would be an equal exchange if I gave him my quarter. This made sense to me.
I agreed.
He gave me that wonderful sweet piece of bubble gum, which I happily chewed for a good part of the afternoon.
 
When I reported this to my mother, you can imagine what happened.
A forced confession and a forced reconciliation.
He was told to apologize and to give me back the quarter. I was not asked to give back the bubble gum.
We were not reconciled.
No honest change of heart had occurred.
 
Justice is necessary but not sufficient for reconciliation.
Justice is necessary but not sufficient for reconciliation.
 
This same dynamic is described by Dr. Assefa, who I mentioned before--- he has seen horrendous harm in his political work.  He says:  “In some of the catastrophic situations like Rwanda, Yugoslavia, Cambodia or Chile, reconciliation does not mean that the offenders are just pardoned. It means creating a process and an environment where the offenders take the responsibility to acknowledge their offense and get motivated to change the situation and relationship in a positive and durable manner instead of keep denying their guilt until it is proven to them by the juridical process.”
 
One of our UU leaders, Rev. Danielle Di Bona, is of Native American heritage.  She has struggled with anti-racism efforts in our movement, pointing out that healing racism might involve apology, but an apology must be given with awareness, or it might backfire.   At a national UU General Assembly workshop in 2000 in Cleveland, she asked:
“Who is apology really for?
What does it do for the injured party?
Is it to relieve the burden of the person who caused the injury, leaving the injured holding the responsibility of accepting the apology with no commitment to changing the conditions that caused the problem?
The person who apologizes may never know the impact of their actions.” 
 
After the third step of apology,---when done well--- comes a fourth step of a readiness to let go of bitterness.  This raises the question:
Do we see others… as just …their mistakes?
Wendy told me about a study in which school teachers were confidentially told that certain students had special talents.  While this wasn’t necessarily true, these students scored better on tests---perhaps because someone believed in
their power to succeed
instead of their power to fail.
Our community has a role in helping us live up to our potential,
not just relive our mistakes. 
The way that we confess  and the way the community responds, can lead to one or the other. 
 
I want to especially lift up the sixth step which says: “compensate the damage caused to the extent possible.” 
In the opening examples of this sermon, we heard about the child who earned money by baby-sitting and lawn-mowing to pay for a replacement window. 
We heard about a person who paid back an organization after stealing. 
We heard about a veteran who helps people injured in the war. 
And, I have heard of a man who abused his own niece, and many years later agreed to pay for her expenses she was incurring to see a therapist. 
 
Yet, I know that there are some things that are much more difficult to compensate. 
After confessing that one has told a lie, how can one make up the damage? 
If one confesses to having broken a monogamous vow, how can the “harm be compensated”? 
This is much stickier, and yet, I have heard of sincere and creative efforts. 
And, often, one simply has to wait for time to pass while one demonstrates that one is not reoffending.  This is often how the trust is rebuilt.
 
In spring 2011, our congregation’s board adopted two policies to help us be prepared to respond to “disruptive behaviors” and to people with “criminal sex charges.”  These policies are based on a national Unitarian Universalist model called Safe Congregations.  They outline ways for people who have committed offenses to be part of a congregation---often on a very limited basis---while reassuring the congregation that they are safe from reoffense.  Our documents are eleven pages long…single-spaced. 
 
As I read them, I was deeply touched by the care shown to the many possible ways that a person might confess, or not confess, a harm they have caused. 
The many ways that the many unique members of our congregation might be affected.  The need for factual information and for pastoral care. 
Our commitment to dignity and welcome and safety. 
The policies are creative and careful. 
They make space for human frailty and human healing, in an appropriate time and place and within the confines of agreements.   
 
This is where we are called to our highest and deepest spiritual strength. 
This is one of those journeys that, if achieved, can help us know for the rest of our lives, the power of reconciliation. 
That is why it is not to be taken lightly. 
That is why it is worth waiting, a sacred waiting,
allowing each person to move at their own pace---as long as they are moving earnestly.
And while it is true that reconciliation in community might be slower than one-on-one, we have also seen times that the mystery of community allows role modeling and inspiration,
so some people’s heart’s soften faster than they would alone,
and other people’s integrity solidifies faster than it would have alone.
 
What I want to emphasize is that confession occurs in the context of relationship, which is ongoing.  One of our famous theologians of liberal religion, James Luther Adams, has illuminated this by pointing out that there is no such thing as a good individual as such;  there are only good individuals in relationship. 
Here is the good news for us, my friends: 
religious communities are especially equipped not only to resolve conflict, but
to have sustained change to new relationship,
because we believe in the power of grace
and the transforming mystery called love.
……..Now I want to speak for a minute to those of you who are the new members that we recognized today.
I have some bad news for you.
We do not always live up to our vows.
But here’s the good news.
In our congregational covenant, we agree to make it right when we fall short.
So, in that spirit, Wendy is going to lead us in a song
We do come together in community
We do break our vows, maybe a thousand times.
Come, yet again, come.    ***END OF SERMON